I Think I Might Have Something That Is Useful

I'm a patent attorney, and like most people who deal with the inner workings of technology for a living, I'm acutely aware of its tendency to latch on to my life force. So whenever I consider buying a piece of technology, I ask myself one question:

Will this widget make my life simpler?

If the answer to this question is "no", then I continue to give Wells Fargo an interest-free loan the size of the potential purchase. If the answer is "yes", then I do my least favorite thing not called "meeting a single friend of mine you'd really like".

Enter the smartphone. See, my GPS broke, and I'm moving down to Texas in a couple weeks. I'd read about the dangers of falling behind on technology, and how you end up turning into an old person who thinks your laptop camera spies on you (okay, they were right on that one). I spent a couple weeks thinking about the all important question of Will this widget make my life simpler? and came to the following projected uses for a smartphone contraption:

1) Telephone calls - I'm on the Verizon family plan from ten years ago
2) GPS Navigation - I could get this for my current phone, for $40/month data plan + $10/month VZ Navigator plan.
3) Email while traveling - for those trips when a laptop is too much but life without Gmail is too hard.
4) Weather - I am getting old and this is important to me
5) Spotify

All in one device. This would probably make my life simpler.

I decided to go with Republic Wireless. They sounded interesting. The phone service defaults to wi-fi when in an established wi-fi network, and switches to cell service, provided by Sprint, when out of an established wi-fi network. The pricing structure is what really sold me. No contract, $20/month, and no phone upgrade. In other words, a normal pricing system with an incentive to be content with what you have. This is something understandable! I could feel my life getting simpler.

Not to go all Chuck Murray on you, but smart is a relative term. For a smartphone with a 3G data plan, I had two options:

1) Moto X - new, fast, shiny (shiny things break), and $300. The accompanying 3G data plan is $25/month. The girl on the Motorola website looked liked she wouldn't talk to me if I said hi.

2) Defy XT - old, slow, indestructible (toilet-resistant, hole-11-downpour-resistant), and $100. The accompanying 3G data plan is $20/month. The Motorola website gave me an error when I tried to look at a picture.

Number 2 may as well be called The Joe. Here's a picture of it (from the internet - I would never own that table):

I've spent a long time staring at this thing. The manual wasn't very helpful. There are four markings that look like buttons, but have no obvious meaning. I've decided the hole on the top left is a light of some sort, because it shines when I plug it in. I don't know what the hole on the top right does; it hasn't changed since I got it, and gives off a HAL vibe (fun fact: what happens when you shift each letter of HAL one down?). There's a camera lens on the back, but I don't have a furry animal or Thai dish to take a picture of.

The service is a bit disappointing. It attempts to make calls through wi-fi, then redials on cell if wi-fi doesn't work. So far wi-fi has never worked for calling, and call recipients on the cell service say I sound empty (that is morbidity I don't need). The data access is frustrating too. The phone will randomly disconnect from the internet and fail to load apps. I screwed around with my router settings to no avail. I tried the GPS going to work today, and it couldn't carry the signal past half a mile. I have no idea what to do to make it happy.

It has a 30 day return policy, but I'll probably keep going with it. I feel cool! I haven't felt this "in" since the check-out girl at H&M told me my blazer looked "totes cray to the power of ridonkulous". And when it does work, I get simple pleasures. I downloaded this Onkyo Remote app that can play my computer songs on my receiver without me touching the Lenovo. I don't know if that makes my life simpler or not, but I smiled when "Green Hearts" started playing. The strangest part is that I carry this thing around my apartment with me, just in case I want to use it. It sounds like that's a life skill of some sort, like the home economics pet egg exercise. I hope the GPS works soon. I don't want to be alone.

King and Country is the Greatest Whistling Song

I love a good whistle. Maybe it was my standard six breakthrough performance of "Whistle While You Work" in Snow White and the Twelve (everyone got a part!) Dwarves. Eye dee kay. But I love whistling in songs. Back in two-man-band days I would whistle the horn parts of Van Morrison and B.J. Thomas tunes. Eventually the neck harmonica replaced those two tender instruments of passion, but it was fun while it lasted.

Whistling in songs has gotten a bad rap since "Young Folks" came about. I remember where I was the first time I got scolded for whistling that riff. It was May '07 on the bottom level of the CVN 76 Ronald Reagan in San Diego, on my way to check on some readings. Mike B. told me never to do that again. I haven't, although if I ever get in a situation where I want someone to move, such as a coffee shop table or subway seat, it may creep through.

Here's Rolling Stone's list of the best whistling songs. "Young Folks" made it, as did "Dock of the Bay" and the absolute stunner "Colonel Bogey March" from Bridge Over the River Kwai. But you know what didn't? You do if you read the title of this post. "King and Country" by Television Personalities. I'm not surprised, since they haven't gotten a whole lot of respect outside Pitchfork's top albums of the 80's (#64). This song is fantastic, though. I'd possibly nominate it for the top 50 "Ooh" songs. Have a listen:



I got to Television Personalities down the usual rabbit hole. Their second album on is a bit psychedelic and odd, and I prefer their earlier sound. They had no idea how you were supposed to write a song, which is how punk's supposed to be. "Geoffrey Ingram" never gets old, and is so English for a wannabe mod like me.